Reflections: Kelly’s Angel Day — November 9, 2004

You are still my “cute stuff” and I suppose you always will be. . . I still love you with all my heart. My life would be so empty without you. . . We can overcome anything, and I have faith that we deserve some of the Lord’s finest blessings in the end. — All my Love, Kelly

Note from Kelly – 2004

Kelly and me, shortly before we were married.

November has arrived, bringing with it the fifteenth-anniversary of my husband’s death, coming up on November ninth. Each year, as the day approaches, I wonder how I will handle it this year. Will it be a blip in my busy days? Will I be too busy to even process that it is THE DAY? Will anxiety build up? Will I be angry all over again that he died so young, leaving me alone. Will I simply revisit memories of our life together in quiet peace?  Will I find myself caught up in endless “widow moments” as I’ve come to call those instances where I am overwhelmed with memory and grief? I don’t really know — except, this month, this year, I do know that I am keenly feeling his loss. 

Perhaps it’s because 15 years is a substantial number. Perhaps it’s because I feel the loss in my bones, no matter how many years pass, no matter how I move my life forward, no matter how busy I become. Perhaps it’s because I will soon be moving and leaving the home I owned for 25 years, that we shared for 10 years, behind. 

And, amidst the boxes and chaos of moving, I will take time out on the 9th of November to watch Dead Poets Society, because that is how I mark the day he died. I will remember that day and how it changed my life. I’ll probably cry. I’ll talk to his mother, because we two, together, share his whole life, and I will be comforted. And then I will return to the process of moving forward with my life. 

It’s kind of funny, as I’ve walked through the house, sizing up what needs to be packed, what I am planning on taking with me, and what I am going to get rid of, I realized that if Kelly were here, with me, there’s precious little that he would even recognize — some of the furniture, bookshelves, a dresser, my hope chest, his grandmother’s table, the mirrors he made for me — some household goods, books, nutcrackers, and of course his twelve-string guitar. But most of what is there would be foreign to him, part of the life I’ve created for myself, without him.  And that’s okay. 

I think he would be happy for me, to know that I have created a life for myself and our family, that honors him — honors him because we did not stand still and let ourselves become buried in the past with him. But, at the same time, I have tried to weave pieces of our shared past into my current life, to remember him, and to help my children remember him, and to introduce him to my grandchildren, so they can know who he was and how much he would have loved to know them and spend time with them. I hope I have succeeded in doing that. 

In each of them I see him. I hear him in the cadence of a voice, in the step on a stair, in the cowlick on the back of a head, in a lop-sided smile. I see him in a gesture, a facial expression (can you say guitar face), and in a lanky figure walking in the distance. I hear him in a turn of phrase, in laughter, in an intense voice, or in a snatch of song. All around me, in my family, I feel his legacy.  And it is enough. 

Always, I will love him. I will remember him, and I will continue to live my life without him at my side — for now. He is waiting for me and someday, someday, I will be with him again, and as he used to sign his notes, All My Love – Kelly, until we meet again. 

Until then, I will embrace life with all the energy I can muster. I will find joy in the world around me. I will love fiercely and freely. I will see the good in others. I will try to be a force for good. I will cherish the time I get to spend with friends and family — and not take it for granted.  I will have new adventures and make new friends. Carpe diem. 

PS: In honor of Kelly’s 15th angel day, please consider making a donation to  WW Ministering Angels — I personally know the members of the board and the good that will be done with all donations to help widows and widowers in need. Thank you!