November

Kids at Cemetery
When I was in Idaho, the kids all came to visit, and we made a trip out to the cemetery.

In November melancholy feelings somehow creep inside my soul, and I have to work hard to banish them, and generally, I succeed, or at least I keep enduring. Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. That’s how I’m feeling today. Despite time marching on like it always does, and many changes happening in my circumstances, and my life—in many ways I find myself feeling the same way I did five years ago. But, I have learned so  many things during the last five years, one important thing being that I will be okay, whatever happens. But, I have a hard time not knowing about the HOW of me being okay will happen. This is where I was at five years ago:

Fall 2011

Tonight I am feeling restless. I have been missing Kelly so much the last few weeks, perhaps because the 7th anniversary of his death is coming up on the 9th of November. Today I went for a drive, and after driving through one of our favorite areas near the Snake River, I ended up at the cemetery with a Subway sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and a longing heart.

Sitting near Kelly’s headstone, mentally tracing the lettering of his name and mine engraved in the granite, and warmly wrapped against the evening chill, I ate my sandwich and watched the sunset. I was reminded of the many times, when we faced uncertainty, how we would go to Subway and over a meal away from the distraction of the children, would discuss what we should do next—often times talking in circles until we came up with something, some way to move sideways, if not forward.

Musing as I worked my way through the olives, peppers, spinach, provolone cheese, and chicken, encased in the bread, I had a one-sided conversation with Kelly, a follow-up from an earlier conversation with Heavenly Father. I explained to Kelly that I was at another turning point in my life, and feeling uncertain about what to do next, or even how to go about what I think I need to do, but not even being sure if it’s the right thing to do — and true to form, I thought myself in circles, and came to no firm conclusion about what I should do—except, that I do need to make some decisions and move forward with plans for the next few years.

Which means it’s time for lists—lists of pros and cons for my options; and all the while, I feel like I am shooting in the dark. Some day, I want to understand exactly the timing involved in “the Lord’s due time”—that would be helpful for me to know. In the meantime, I do my best to keep moving, cause it’s better than sitting still.

As the evening shadows lengthened, and as the sun slid lower and lower behind the trees, I watched lacy silhouettes appear against the horizon. And, as I was caught up in the beauty of the sunset, I felt a familiar warmth across my shoulder, and I knew I wasn’t alone, that Kelly loves me, that the Lord is mindful of me, and that I will be okay. What sweet comfort.

Update:

It is now 2016, yet I still sometimes find myself pondering these same questions, feeling uncertain about, how to do, what to do, and the whys of it all.  In 2011 I didn’t have the answers, but life went on, and I made decisions, and here I am five years later, back in Utah, back in my house (which was rented out while I was in Idaho),  working a full-time job, feeling a touch of melancholy at the advent of November, and still wondering about “the Lord’s due time” —perhaps it is simply about endurance, belief, and faith.

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